Moving Out

I had a revelation tonight before going into work.

Everyday I do the exact same thing. Every week is exactly the same. I go to classes during the week, I kill time by watching far too much VH1 and on the weekends I usually frequent a bar or the TKE house. I have spent the last three and a half years living out this same routine and I have nothing to show for it except an education, and a few drunken stories.

I need a change. I went from leading a fairly boring life in high school, directly into a fairly boring life in college. Now don't get me wrong, I am glad that I went to college and it has been an experience to say the least. But I never really had a chance to be wreckless, make bad decisions, and just live life for the moment. Since high school, it's all been about the future, and all I have from that stressful way of thinking is an ulcer and a series of illnesses.

I need to get out of Iowa. Out of Minnesota. Go someplace where no one knows me. Be broke and live life in the moment. Experience things I have only seen in movies. I don't want to live a planned life where there are no suprises. At the rate I'm going, when I get out of school, I am going to get a job in a corporate office, live in a cubicle and continue the same boring, everyday routine. That is the LAST thing that I want.

I have always been afraid to try new things and go some place that is unfamiliar by myself. But I cannot imagine continuing to live a life that is planned out to a T. But then I think about my education. My dad has spent a pretty penny on my education, and the last thing I want to do is waste it. I have also never really been completely on my own. I have always had my parents right by my side to help me out in any situation.

Maybe getting out of my everyday and away from everyone that I know will help me break this cycle. Maybe I'll go to Amsterdam, LA, Australia, or New York.

I would love to travel around with a touring band. That would be the best escape.

A Look Back

I found an old post of mine from my freshman year at Drake, and I thought it would be a good laugh to go through and comment on this post and see how things have changed.

A Year End Toast

since the end of my first year at college is at a close, I figured I would steal Skates' idea and recap all the craziness that insued.

This year I...

-learned that you can survive college by only going to your classes on a semi regular basis (still works)
-studying blows
-learned never to take a class with Goldford or Fuse (I have advised many to stay away and managed to never see them again)
-became a TKE girl
-spent the majority of the weekends at the TKE house (still do)
-learned that frat guys arent all dicks (except for Faulker) (a good portion of them are)
-learned that all sorority girls aren't all bitches (I wouldn't say bitches, but they are not my friends)
-took my first 3 shots of tequilla (I can't even count how much tequilla I've had since then)
-took care of a friend while she was praying to the porcelin gods (I had to do that again for the same friend a few months ago)
-spent many nights in the bathroom (never had to do that again because of alcohol)
-took care of another friend while she was praying to the porcelin gods
-learned to keep me awaky form the whiskey sours (haven't had one since)
-learned that a Jew can dance. They have their own dance...its called the Jew (I hardly ever dance anymore)
-learned the true value of rap and hip-hop (It's kinda lost its glory for me)
-perfected the art of dancing on a support beam (Damn I was a tramp!)
-woke up with many random bruises from the night before (Still happens)
-spent the night at the TKE house (It's happened a few times after that...but not many)
-got many FABULOUS lap dances
-smoked 15 cigarettes in one drinking night (Now I'm lucky if I smoke less than that a day)
-learned to make friends (no longer scared)
-danced on a fence
-dropped my cell phone in the toilet (Now I just break them the normal way. And Steph still won't let me live that incident down)
-danced on a radiator
-helped hold a guy on the pool table so multiple girls could assualt him (He is now in a commited relationship)
-watched porn with 3 girls on a saturday night
-watched porn with 2 of the TKE guys on different nights (We've had many porn and popcorn nights)
-went to a porn store with 2 guys and a girl (Now we stick to the Lumber Yard)
-walked girls around with a leash
-pulled a knife on a guy (And I'd do it again)
-learned the art of thefting (I had a klepto phase, but that is long gone)
-learned to love pussy beers (I can't stand them!)
-kissed a girl more than once (And proceeded to do it again)
-had a guy sleep in my bed 3 times (Wow. This was back in the day when I thought this was scandolous)
-learned that I love the smell of men's cologne (I still can't help but fall for a guy who's wearing Very Sexy For Him)
-got a free lunch (Still do)
-learned how to get a free drink (I still use this technique when I go to the bars)
-learned that trying to drink your worries away NEVER works (It has worked since)
-collected over 200 bottle caps (I ended up using them in a gift I made for my bf. We broke up and he still has it)
-went to dinner at 5pm religiously (I hardly call anything I eat a "meal" anymore. More just a series of snacks)
-cannot count how many times I have ordered chinese food
-made friends with the Jimmy Johns guy (He quit long ago)
-watched jackasses break down the Herriot door (And made it into the security reports)
-made friends with the girls downthe hall very late in the year (These girls no longer talk to me)
-have told my mother everything (still do)
-have had my mother tell me everything (still does)
-had more than one panic attack (I can't even count them anymore)
-swam in the reflecting pool in a thunderstorm (Hacen't topped that one, but damn that was a fun night!)
-had to take cover in the basement
-learned to hate fire alarms (let me sleep and burn!)
-learend to live off of subs, pizza and pasta (I still do, but I don't love it like I once did)
-cannot function before 9am
-learned to never have classes before 11am (Every class starts at 9am)
-learned that Dead Day is not actually for studying (hooray for sleeping in 'til 4pm) (Still true)
-tore into more than one teacher on their evaluations (I even got one of my professors fired)
-ate my fair share of Easy Mac and cereal (I haven't touched Easy Mac since my sophomore year)
-had sex on a noisey super-loft while a friend was sleeping below (that super lof was the greatest invention! Thanks Skates!)
-now have a greater appreciation for Disney movies
-tattooed myself at 2 in the morning (It has since vanished)
-had a picture of me making out with a girl posted on the internet (I still haven't found where it is. And keep in mind that this was BEFORE myspace and facebook...so it was kind of a big deal)
-corrupted an uber Catholic (She is now fully tattooed, a Suicide Girl and getting married in July)
-can now recite the entire script to the movie Snatch (I lost my copy and haven't watched it since)
-helped 3 guys smuggle a keg into the basement (That keg was later confiscated)
-exercised by walking to Kum and Go and Walgreens (I no longer walk, I drive my lazy ass there and back)
-took a friends car to Minnesota more than once (She dropped out and moved to Missouri. I haven't heard from her since)
-learned to LOATH the bus (I never rode the Greyhound again)
-leanred that Iowa isn't all that bad as long as I have my Skates and my TKE boys (Skates and I hardly ever talk anymore, and I have never hated Iowa more)
-learned how to get free cigarettes (Still do)

Things That Piss Me Off

Boredom
Stupid Freshman
People who don't like Seinfeld
Iowa Drivers
Pens that don't work
Bad beer
Assholes
Ex-boyfriends
Grey areas
Pennies
Doing laundry
Doing dishes
Cleaning in general
Jobs
Whiners
People who don't stop talking
Paris Hilton
Britney Spears
Paying too much money for worthless classes
Professors who don't know what they're doing
Running out of staples
People who don't like/or know who Queen is
The uptight
The arrogant
JEL and *Truth commercials
Bad typography
Sororities
MTV
Getting woken up from a nap
Loud walkers
Sot talkers
Mumblers
Close talkers
Hat hair
Headaches
Bent push pins
Junk mail
Bikers who think they are in cars
Breaking nails
People who cough around smokers
Doing things in alphabetical order
People in general

Fuck. Piss. Shit. Bitch

I grew up in a fairly liberated home. Make that a very liberated home. My mother was the artist that marched to the beat of her own drum, and my dad was the dentist, the glue that fixed the "damage" my mother had done. My mother would teach us to think freely, to be ourselves, and my dad would make sure that we kept on track with school. I have an older sister, Abra, who is the typical black sheep of the family. She dropped out of several school and still to this day can't hold down a real job.

Abra was the one person that I wanted to hang out with the most in my childhood, even though I often had many dreams of a whale tearing her arm off. I wanted to be like her and have her friends. Needless to say, I was the typical, obnoxious little sister. Since I tried everything to be more like her, I ven picked up her habit of swearing like a sailor at the tender age of 10. A habit that she had initally learned from my parents and CD's before they had warning labels on them.

To this day I still have the mouth like a sailor and my parents still give me shit about it. I really don't see it as a problem these days, aside from when I end up saying "fuck" during an interview.

I am sure that when I was in fifth grade and telling people that "my sister was a bitch" and screaming at her in the grocery store to "fuck off", it probably didn't make my parents look so good, and probably gave the rich suburbanites a good shock.

Now the roles have reversed. When I was walking home after a class the other day, I saw a pack of fourth or fifth graders in the middle of the street attempting to start a fight with a friend. They were throwing off their coats, swinging their arms and telling the friend to "suck his cock" and telling the friend that refused to fight that they would "call him a bitch for the rest of the year."

Needless to say, I was shocked. But then I thought about my own sailor mouth and my upbringing. But then I also thought about the media today and how rarely they bleep out words in movies and TV shows. They have even let commercials get away with printing words like 'bitch" on VH1. Of course this change doesn't bother me at all. In fact, it actually makes me happier because networks are no longer sugar coating everything and catering to a younger audience than myself. But then I thought about the kids and how this will effect them.
Then I realized that I didn't care about the kids.

January 9, 2007 7:00am (LA: Part 5)

COMING SOON!

Hobo Style! (LA: Part 4)

January 8, 2007

We had missed our chance of being on today's show. But have no fear, we will be on tomorrow's show!

January 8, 2007 7:30pm

After making a trip to Target and picking up a sand chair, a blanket, pillows, food and some warm clothes, we finally got back to the CBS Studio and took our place in line for the next day's show. Now one would think that by getting there 12 hours early, we would be the first group in line. To our surprise, we were only the second group in line, taking spots five through nine. The couple in front of us were from Wisconsin, very friendly, and they had been waiting in line since 4:00pm that day.

Knowing what awaited us, we made ourselves as comfortable as we could on the sidewalk. We layed down newspapers to cover the dirt, set up our pillows and blankets and set in for a long, cold night.


Around 9:30pm, the group we had met early that day had showed up. Sure enough, we kept our word and let them in the spots behind us. In the group was Robyn, Nicole and Dustin, and were all 20 years old. During the long night we found out more about them and basically became a little hobo family...seeing as how all seven of us were sleeping on the streets of LA. We killed time by playing cards, sharing headphones and music, talking about our long Price Is Right adventure thus far, and making deals about sharing any loot that anyone of us could win.

As the night progressed and stores began closing, it became colder and much harder to stay awake. So we took shifts running to the one place within a 5 block radius that was open to get coffee and go to the bathroom. By the end of the night I had gotten to know the clerk at the gas station.

By midnight, more and more people began showing up and taking their places in line. At this point, the line had stretched a quarter of the block and was full of sleeping bags, tents, and air matresses. Everyone got to know everyone, we became closest to those that were in close range of our spot in line, but we also had people from farther back coming up to say hello, and find out why we were so crazy for getthing there so early. But getting there early had its payoffs; not only were we fifth in line, but we also got the best view...

Thank god for The Box Depot providing even more humor to the night.

As the night turned into morning, the anticipation grew stronger and stronger for everyone in line, which at this point had reached the end of the block and was rounding the corner. Even though we didn't more than an hour of sleep the whole night, we were so full of anticipation that it didn't even matter.

I Almost Cried (LA: Part 3)

With our Price Is Right tickets in hand, we jumped on a city bus at 5:30am heading for the CBS Studio in West Hollywood on January 8, 2007. Although the five of us are night owls and dread the mornings, energy was high as we were wearing our custom-made Price Is Right shirts. We knew that one of us would be called up on that famous stage and get to hug Bob Barker.
...Little did we know what awaited us at the studio.

We arrived in front of the studio at 6:15am. we followed every instruction on our printed out tickets. The box office was set to open at 7:00am so we could get our official ticket to enter the audience. We thought we were being sneaky by jumping the gun and getting there 45 minutes early and seeing that the line outside was only 20 people long, we thought for sure that we would going on The Price Is Right.

We took our places in line and waited with great anticipation. We started chatting with the other people in line, finding out trivial information as to where they were from, how long htey had been there, etc. When we struck up a conversation with the woman standing in frontof us, we had a very strong and terrifying awakening. She told us that the line we were currently standing in was for people who had already gotten their tickets to be in the audience! Her and her husband recieved thier tickets at 3:00am and that there were none left for that day's taping! Almost immediately my heart began to race and tears swelled up in my eyes as I saw my dreams being dashed against the jagged rocks.

I ran up to the secruity officer who was guarding the studio gates and asked him if this was true. He confirmed what the bitchy woman in front of us had said. But the officer offered a glimmer of hope. We only had one last day in LA before we headed back to the cold, icy midwest, but we could get tickets for the next day's taping. So we waited in line for the studio box office to open at 9:00am to get our tickets for the taping the next day.


While we were waiting in line to get our tickets for the next day, we ran into a group of college kids who had the exact same problem that we did. After waiting with them, and getting to know them for a few hours, we decided to make a pact. Which ever group got to the line the first, we would save the other group a spot directly behind us.

With our tickets in hand, we began asking everyone who came out of the gates, what time they went to stand in line. we were not about to blow our lasdt chance of being in that audience! We got word from the secruity officer that to get the priority numbers (the tickets we needed to get into the audience) we should show up no later than 12:00am the day of the taping. (Just to give you a little reference, they don't give out the priority numbers until 7:00am...that 7 hours of waiting on the street!) We finally decided that we would be standing in that line no later than 10:00pm that night.

We left the studio and headed back to Mel's to freshen up, gather some things, and prepare for the long night that awaited us.

Finally There (LA: Part 2)

With or plane tickets and show tickets in hand, my sister and I boarded our flight to Los Angeles, CA in attempts to accomplish my most important life long goal: to be in the audience for The Price Is Right.

After a total of ten hours of traveling, we finally made it to my sister's old roommate's, Mel, apartment in LA. The three of us celebrated our arrival with a bottle wine followed by a bottle of champagne. After our first night, my friends Caitlin and Charlie arrived at Mel's and we spent the day sight seeing. We went shopping at various specialized stores, one of the more imporant ones being Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash. There we saw all sorts of memorablia from Kevin Smith's movies, like the Mooby computer, Randal and Elias's Clerks 2 shirts, and the Askweniverse "bible."

After a long day of sight seeing, we headed back Mel's to participate in some much needed relaxation by watching the entire first season of Lost (which, thanks to Mel, I am now thouroughly addicited to). During the next few days we continued this trend, watching Lost and seeing the sights. Our next memorable visit was to the Santa Monica Pier, were myself, Caitlin and Charlie participated in frolicking along the sand and soaking up as much sun as we possibly could.

We spent the majority of our stay in LA simply killing time, waiting for the main event...The Price Is Right.

Soon the day came, January 8th was finally upon us and we were going to be in the audience for The Price Is Right!

......or so we thought.

The Silver Fox and My Journey (LA: Part 1)

For quite a while now I have been trying hard not to write about my personal life...only my rantings on my personal life.
But I feel that I must retell, in detail, the historical event of being in the audience for The Price Is Right.

Ever since I was eight years old, I have been watching The Price Is Right. If your a PIR fan, then you know what I'm talking about when I say that I would gladly miss my classes to watch the big wheel. And you will also know what I'm talking about when I say that Bob Barker is quite possibly one of the coolest men alive.


Bob has been the host of the PIR ever since the showed first aired in 1972, and although Bob is 84 years old, he is still as sexy as he eveer has been. I think he could be described as the Hugh Hefner of game shows. Not only does he have a slew of models around him, but they are also named after him, "The Bob Barker Beauties." And even though he has his beauties, he also has the pick of any grandmother in the United States. As my sister so eloquently put it, "Bob Barker is a silver fox."

Needless to say, it has been one of my longest life goals to go on The Price Is Right and see the silver fox in person. However, my heart was torn in two when I heard the horrible news that Mr. Barker would be retiring in June of 2007. For a moment, I thought my hopes and dreams would be shot to the ground and I would never get to sit in the audience that I had come to love over the past thirteen years.

Something had to be done! I was not about to let one of my most important life goals go straight down the drain! So I called my friends, my sister, my grandmother, and Delta Airlines. My grandmother offered to give my sister and I some of her air miles to fly the two of us out to LA, and my sister old roommate offered to put all four of us up during our stay in sunny California.

After thirteen years of waiting, wishing and hoping, I was off to see the infamous Bob Barker in person!

Warmth come and gone

After weeks of fridgid cold weather and blistering negative wind chills, Iowa has finally been graced by the warm glow of the sun. Although today has been one of the better days that I can remember, I know that this glorious heat wave we are all relishing in will soon be short lived. In five days time we will see snow and ice yet again, and have to endure another giant cold front.

I long for the days when it doesn't take 15 minutes of bundling up in winter gear to step foot outside your house.

Street Habits

I have to cross to busy street of University at least 4 times a day. During many of these crossings, I have to be a fearless pedestrian and pray that the speeding cars will stop for me. When these encounters occur and the driver stops and waves me by, I find myself actually verbalizing my "thank yous". I don't know why I can't break this pointless habit because it's clear that the driver can't hear my thanks. It's right along the lines of looking both ways before crossing a one-way street. We all do it and there's really no point.

Death to Curls

Being born Jewish, I face the everyday challenges that the non-Jews of the world know very little about. I hear countless Jew jokes, face the never ending barrage of questions about my religion, and deal with the horrible problem that is the "Jew Fro".

Since I was born, I have had hair that is more extreme than the fluffiest poodle. It's a curse, although every stylist I have ever been to wants it. But they don't know what maintinence is required just to leave the house every morning. It starts with the shower, then blow dry, then add countless products, then curl individual sections of hair, then blow dry again. And if I choose to have straight hair that day, then it takes about 30 minutes with a flat iron to get the curls out, and pray to the gods of curly hair that there is no moisture in the air that day or else the curls and frizz will come back within a matter of minutes of stepping out the front door.

If someone came up with a special cream or serum to kill the curls for at least week at a time, I gaurantee that that person will become a millionaire within a matter of days. Because I can tell you that almost everyone you meet with curly hair, is looking for a way to destroy it.

Honk...Brake!

The drivers of Iowa really need to check their blinker fluid.

Coming from Minneapolis, MN, I like to think that I know how to drive. I was taught to merge onto freeways without causing accidents. I was taught who goes first at a four-way intersection. I was taught how to change lanes. And I was taught how to back in, pull in, and paralell park. All of these things were mandatory in driver's ed and you had to pass each one with flying colors in order to obtain a driver's license. I am pretty sure that these key factors of driving were even mentioned on the driver's license test in Iowa.

It never fails. Everyday in Iowa, you can see a mom in a minivan cut off a school bus without using her turn signal. You can see someone stop at the end of an entrance ramp to the freeway waiting to merge. You can see a crash at a four-way intersection because the people were too stupid to know who goes first.

I have never been to another state and seen such bad driving as I have in Iowa. I am a firm believer in the fact that everyone should retake their driver's test in the state of Iowa before they can get back on the road.

So Iowa, check your blinker fluid, and learn how to drive like the rest of the United States!

The Best Birth Control

Seeing a screaming child throwing a hissy-fit in the candy isle of Wal*Mart is quite possibly the best birth control out there.

I don't understand why people have children if they don't intend on teaching them how to act in public. It is perfectly fine if they want their children to raise hell at home, but why do innocent bystanders at restaurants and malls have to suffer from their bad parenting?

If your child is screaming and crying over not getting candy during a grocery trip, why would you give it to them? It only encourages them to keep screaming until they get what they want. Once you cave, the kid is gonna know that they can get away with anything as long as they scream about it.

Not only does this lead to having a spoiled brat, but it also pisses everyone who is around off! No one! I gaurantee, no one wants to hear your kid screaming while they are trying to enjoy a night out!

And parents, I know you don't want to give your kids the tough-love treatment. But sometimes that's the only way they will ever learn! Don't constantly worry about their self-esteem, and spank them when appropriate. My generation was spanked as kids when we were bad, and we weren't screwed up by it. So give them some tough-love and disipline them properly!

So parents, do the responsible thing, don't cave in to your children, disipline them when they misbehave, and don't bring them out in public for the good of man-kind! If you don't know if you can handle taking care of a child and raising it properly...then don't have one! Get a dog first and see if you can raise it right before you start popping out children like a rabbit!

Oh Gweny

As I was watching VH1 (one of my many addicitions), a special came on entitled, "Box Set: Gwen Stefani". Since it was late, and we all know that nothing is on TV late at night, I decided to continue watching even though my "fondness" for Gwen Stefani had died out when she left No Doubt.
As the show progressed, listing her songs and highlighting her newest music videos, I came to a conclusion...Gwen Stefani is a music theif. All of her recent "hits" have had someone elses music put behind it! Apparently her listeners don't care that she has stolen the music from Biggie Smalls, Fiddler on the Roof, and most recently, The Sound of Music. All she does to make it "her song" is put some of her crappy, recycled lyrics over the top of the stolen, once popular music.

Gwen Stefani was a much better musician when she was still with her band No Doubt. When they broke on the scene in the 90's they had a new and inventive sound that made them stand out from the clutter. But like a selfish, lead singer, Gwen had to break from the band and try to make it on her own for the simple objective of making more money. She should have stayed where she. This is my theory...she wanted to leave the band to make more money with a solo career. But after she realized that she had no talent without her band and that she has absolutely no creative bones in her body, she thought that she could get away with stealing other artist's songs without anyone putting up a fuss.

Well I'm here to put up a fuss! Why is Gwen Stefani so popular for her music when it isn't even hers?! She must be stopped and shown for the true "artist" she is...nothing special!

Listen!

I love how any person with a phone, will talk like they aren't in public. People say some of the most private stuff when everyone is around. Just take a listen the next time you see someone on their cell phone at a restaurant or even just waiting to cross the street. You will be surprised at the things you hear.

There are types of conversations that you would typically want to keep quite so listen up America! Start listening to other people's conversations, then think about it the next time you are on your cell phone in public.

Smokers Unite!

I have been a loyal smoker for a little over four years now. Yes I know, I shouldn't be smoking, and it's a bad habit that will eventually kill me. I've heard it all before..trust me. But the fact remains that a good portion of the US population are smokers. So this is why my idea is so ingenious.

Us smokers have been inconvienced for far too long! We have had to put up with smoking bans, higher taxes on cigarettes, anti-smokers heckling us on the streets, and the inevitable badgering from our relatives. The last thing we want to have to deal with is the inconvience of purchasing our tasty cancer sticks.

Convenient stores are made to be convenient. It's in the title. Convenient. So why must we get out of our cars and wait in line behind people who still pay for their gas with checks? We already know what we want, and we know exactly how much our purchase will cost. So why must we go into a store and wait to obtain our addiction?

This is where my brilliant idea comes into play. I propose that there be at least two convient stores in every town with a drive-through cigarette window. This way we won't have to leave our car for one measely purchase and wait in a long slow line. Now we will be able to simply drive up, get what we crave and be on our merry ways.