Death to Curls

Being born Jewish, I face the everyday challenges that the non-Jews of the world know very little about. I hear countless Jew jokes, face the never ending barrage of questions about my religion, and deal with the horrible problem that is the "Jew Fro".

Since I was born, I have had hair that is more extreme than the fluffiest poodle. It's a curse, although every stylist I have ever been to wants it. But they don't know what maintinence is required just to leave the house every morning. It starts with the shower, then blow dry, then add countless products, then curl individual sections of hair, then blow dry again. And if I choose to have straight hair that day, then it takes about 30 minutes with a flat iron to get the curls out, and pray to the gods of curly hair that there is no moisture in the air that day or else the curls and frizz will come back within a matter of minutes of stepping out the front door.

If someone came up with a special cream or serum to kill the curls for at least week at a time, I gaurantee that that person will become a millionaire within a matter of days. Because I can tell you that almost everyone you meet with curly hair, is looking for a way to destroy it.

Honk...Brake!

The drivers of Iowa really need to check their blinker fluid.

Coming from Minneapolis, MN, I like to think that I know how to drive. I was taught to merge onto freeways without causing accidents. I was taught who goes first at a four-way intersection. I was taught how to change lanes. And I was taught how to back in, pull in, and paralell park. All of these things were mandatory in driver's ed and you had to pass each one with flying colors in order to obtain a driver's license. I am pretty sure that these key factors of driving were even mentioned on the driver's license test in Iowa.

It never fails. Everyday in Iowa, you can see a mom in a minivan cut off a school bus without using her turn signal. You can see someone stop at the end of an entrance ramp to the freeway waiting to merge. You can see a crash at a four-way intersection because the people were too stupid to know who goes first.

I have never been to another state and seen such bad driving as I have in Iowa. I am a firm believer in the fact that everyone should retake their driver's test in the state of Iowa before they can get back on the road.

So Iowa, check your blinker fluid, and learn how to drive like the rest of the United States!

The Best Birth Control

Seeing a screaming child throwing a hissy-fit in the candy isle of Wal*Mart is quite possibly the best birth control out there.

I don't understand why people have children if they don't intend on teaching them how to act in public. It is perfectly fine if they want their children to raise hell at home, but why do innocent bystanders at restaurants and malls have to suffer from their bad parenting?

If your child is screaming and crying over not getting candy during a grocery trip, why would you give it to them? It only encourages them to keep screaming until they get what they want. Once you cave, the kid is gonna know that they can get away with anything as long as they scream about it.

Not only does this lead to having a spoiled brat, but it also pisses everyone who is around off! No one! I gaurantee, no one wants to hear your kid screaming while they are trying to enjoy a night out!

And parents, I know you don't want to give your kids the tough-love treatment. But sometimes that's the only way they will ever learn! Don't constantly worry about their self-esteem, and spank them when appropriate. My generation was spanked as kids when we were bad, and we weren't screwed up by it. So give them some tough-love and disipline them properly!

So parents, do the responsible thing, don't cave in to your children, disipline them when they misbehave, and don't bring them out in public for the good of man-kind! If you don't know if you can handle taking care of a child and raising it properly...then don't have one! Get a dog first and see if you can raise it right before you start popping out children like a rabbit!

Oh Gweny

As I was watching VH1 (one of my many addicitions), a special came on entitled, "Box Set: Gwen Stefani". Since it was late, and we all know that nothing is on TV late at night, I decided to continue watching even though my "fondness" for Gwen Stefani had died out when she left No Doubt.
As the show progressed, listing her songs and highlighting her newest music videos, I came to a conclusion...Gwen Stefani is a music theif. All of her recent "hits" have had someone elses music put behind it! Apparently her listeners don't care that she has stolen the music from Biggie Smalls, Fiddler on the Roof, and most recently, The Sound of Music. All she does to make it "her song" is put some of her crappy, recycled lyrics over the top of the stolen, once popular music.

Gwen Stefani was a much better musician when she was still with her band No Doubt. When they broke on the scene in the 90's they had a new and inventive sound that made them stand out from the clutter. But like a selfish, lead singer, Gwen had to break from the band and try to make it on her own for the simple objective of making more money. She should have stayed where she. This is my theory...she wanted to leave the band to make more money with a solo career. But after she realized that she had no talent without her band and that she has absolutely no creative bones in her body, she thought that she could get away with stealing other artist's songs without anyone putting up a fuss.

Well I'm here to put up a fuss! Why is Gwen Stefani so popular for her music when it isn't even hers?! She must be stopped and shown for the true "artist" she is...nothing special!

Listen!

I love how any person with a phone, will talk like they aren't in public. People say some of the most private stuff when everyone is around. Just take a listen the next time you see someone on their cell phone at a restaurant or even just waiting to cross the street. You will be surprised at the things you hear.

There are types of conversations that you would typically want to keep quite so listen up America! Start listening to other people's conversations, then think about it the next time you are on your cell phone in public.

Smokers Unite!

I have been a loyal smoker for a little over four years now. Yes I know, I shouldn't be smoking, and it's a bad habit that will eventually kill me. I've heard it all before..trust me. But the fact remains that a good portion of the US population are smokers. So this is why my idea is so ingenious.

Us smokers have been inconvienced for far too long! We have had to put up with smoking bans, higher taxes on cigarettes, anti-smokers heckling us on the streets, and the inevitable badgering from our relatives. The last thing we want to have to deal with is the inconvience of purchasing our tasty cancer sticks.

Convenient stores are made to be convenient. It's in the title. Convenient. So why must we get out of our cars and wait in line behind people who still pay for their gas with checks? We already know what we want, and we know exactly how much our purchase will cost. So why must we go into a store and wait to obtain our addiction?

This is where my brilliant idea comes into play. I propose that there be at least two convient stores in every town with a drive-through cigarette window. This way we won't have to leave our car for one measely purchase and wait in a long slow line. Now we will be able to simply drive up, get what we crave and be on our merry ways.